Snowphoon Survival 101

The treacherous snowphoon has come and gone. It wasn’t as horrible as the news predicted but there’s no more milk, bread, or generators left in our entire state!  Oh... and the state shut down. So there’s that. Not so bad right?

                         

I’m typing this as I sit on my bed being a complete slacker. My coffee cup is in dire need of a refill. My bedroom is a disaster because the masterminds behind my kid’s education decided to abandon ship and leave them home with me.

Dangerous roads. Psshhtt!

The hell school-less kids will unleash on the minds and nerves of parents offers much more peril than snow and ice! I’ll bet my remaining sanity on that! So as a gift to parents fortunate enough to have kids home from school on snow days, I put together a survival list. You can thank me later. I’m sure this list won’t be the go-to for all of you but it’s how I make it out alive every time.

At least I think I’m still alive.

Snowphoon Survival (with kids) 101: 

*Buy alcohol

Lots!   The end.

*Concoct a “keep school open” petition

When parents unite for a great cause, with the use of begging & threats, things happen people. Sometimes.

*Pray

That’s right. It’s your business who ya pray to but those few moments of peace and concentration are all ya get. You’ll want to take advantage. Trust me.

*Buy all the foods

Not because you want to be a glutton-or maybe you do-but you’ll need the extra comfort that eating chocolate, cheesy things, and chips offers. Even greater, when MOST kids are eating, they aren’t talking! Doesn’t work with mine but yours may be different. Silence is orgasmic. Good luck!

*Shave all the things

Snow makes more babies than Kate Gosselin and the Duggars combined! Even if you’ve hog-tied your ovaries and did a drive-by on your hubby’s sperm, snow (still) makes sex happen! In that after midnight, spur of the moment hump, you’ll be happy you took care of business beforehand!

*Clean up EVERYTHANG

I know you think this is a waste of time. However, after the madness is over there’s no way in hell you’ll want to face the prior and former messes…combined! Your kids are about to unleash an unthinkable ass-whooping on your home. Forewarned, forearmed!

*Gather all emergency stuff

I don’t mean First-aid kits, water, and batteries only. I’m talking activities, books, Benedryl, etc. Better get creative parents! If there’s no power and you don’t have an extra generator on deck, you’re in for a mother-load of nervous breakdowns! Cell phones, I-pads, video games, and other electrical devices will eventually quit and that means using your REAL brain for entertainment purposes; Not the inter-brain (web). Most kids today aren’t familiar with that concept. Insert breakdown here. If nothing else works, insert Benedryl here.

*Gather weapons

Whine repellant, sibling rivalry water hoses, and locks and chains can create peace of mind like nobody’s business. There will be whining. There will be fights. When you’ve reached your mental capacity to deal, those locks and chains will be life savers! Even easier, buy a few rolls of duct tape. Problem solved!

*Have a notepad and pen on hand

You’ll want to take notes of wins and fails. During this time of war, keeping up with all antics is necessary. Be sure to add things you may have forgotten. Next time, you’ll be well prepared!

*Remember to FIND the fun

In the midst of all the chaos, golden moments will find their way to the surface. Your kids and spouse will (hopefully) offer you instances of laughter; Even if the laughter is at their own expense! Together, you can create memories filled with good chaos instead of bad. 

Okay, maybe you found some useful advice on this list. Maybe not. At any rate, you’ll know what to expect when YOUR turn rounds the bend! If there’s some advice that makes your fanny ache and turns your smile to a frown, just keep scrolling. Or, refer to the first tip and consume until this post regurgitates a smile from somewhere deep within ya. While you’re doing that, I’ll be taking my own advice and preparing for our next snow day.

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