I've fretted over this post for a while. Unsure if I should use a serious or humorous tone. Unsure if I should tackle it at all. Tonight, however, I decided to get 'er done. Fast forward two or three glasses of Moscato and I was ready to write the damn thing!
For those who haven't caught on, the Pitter Patter Patrol are those little feet that march through your life 24/7. They make sure to interrupt any activity that they aren't the focus of. In this case, that activity is sexy time.
As parents, finding alone time is as rare as sleeping. In my home, when cubs are FINALLY in bed, we're lucky to find enough energy to make it to our own! Nonetheless, we drag on hoping to get an ounce of skin to skin contact.
We can usually manage a shower. But forget any extra pampering like shaving bushels of body fur. That has to wait. "I'm too tired. I'll do it next time."
Sound familiar? Chewbacca love it is!
On a good night, I make it to bed without finding my Mr snoring. On a great night, he doesn't find me snoring and drooling. Believe me, that doesn't happen very often! And so it begins. We pretend to know what foreplay is anymore and manage a kiss. Maybe not a tongue-down-your-throat, we've-got-all-night kiss. But one that delivers a quick "Let's do this while we can!"
A touch here. A rub there. Wow. It may just be our lucky night! Wait for it... Wait for it... "MOMMMMY!" Or "DADDDDY!" And in the worst cases, we realize we have an audience. Shit. Damn. Hell.
We once changed positions to find our oldest resting on our bed, on our pillow, watching us like a Disney flick! NOOO...we didn't hear her come in. NOOO...we didn't feel her get on the bed. Need I remind you? WE. WERE. BUSY. Thank goodness she was only three years old and completely unphased! We dodged a bullet on that one for sure!
Okay. So bottom line is, we were caught in the act. Doing the do. And let's multiply that by a few times. We've since learned how to handle those moments. It's 98% solved already if you lock the doors beforehand. But in case you haven't smartened up yet, let me share what I've learned with you.
1. Do NOT jump up!
~I know your cub shocked the crap out of you. Annnd I know you're not too happy about being caught in THAT position doing THAT thing. But if you jump up/move, you risk exposing the parts you're trying so hard to hide!
2. Do NOT tell the truth!
~I don't care what the pros say, there's NO reason you can give to explain WHY certain appendages are where they are! Period. It behooves you to discuss these matters before you're "in the mood", so you can have a story ready to dish out... If need be... I'm sure this will depend on the age and comprehension of the cub.
3. NEVER ask daddy to escort cubs back to their room!
~Real talk. Daddy is now packing the most deadly instrument in your home. One accidental bump to the back of little Chloe's or Tyrone's head will equal an ER visit with a concussion diagnosis! Besides that, what explanation are you ready to give when asked why daddy's front butt looks like a rocket ship headed to space.... I didn't think so!
Be smart and avoid all of the drama. Don't let your desire and lack of sleep think for you. Learn from my experiences, mortification, and embarrassment. LOCK THOSE DOORS before you get in the groove! You'll save yourself a lot of headache and dollar bills. Remember, there's only so much that therapy can do for a cub who's seen too much!
Do you have your own sexy-time horror story to share? How about advice to add to the list? If so, share it with me! This post is meant to be lighthearted and in no way a professional opinion. Only my personal stories and opinions were shared. Be sure to add your email/subscribe before you go. Follow me on FB and Twitter as well. Thanks for reading!
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