August 3, 2014

When The Pitter Patter Patrol Strikes

I've fretted over this post for a while. Unsure if I should use a serious or humorous tone. Unsure if I should tackle it at all. Tonight, however, I decided to get 'er done. Fast forward two or three glasses of Moscato and I was ready to write the damn thing! 

For those who haven't caught on, the Pitter Patter Patrol are those little feet that march through your life 24/7. They make sure to interrupt any activity that they aren't the focus of. In this case, that activity is sexy time. 

As parents, finding alone time is as rare as sleeping. In my home, when cubs are FINALLY in bed, we're lucky to find enough energy to make it to our own! Nonetheless, we drag on hoping to get an ounce of skin to skin contact.

We can usually manage a shower. But forget any extra pampering like shaving bushels of body fur. That has to wait. "I'm too tired. I'll do it next time." 

Sound familiar? Chewbacca love it is! 

On a good night, I make it to bed without finding my Mr snoring. On a great night, he doesn't find me snoring and drooling. Believe me, that doesn't happen very often! And so it begins. We pretend to know what foreplay is anymore and manage a kiss. Maybe not a tongue-down-your-throat, we've-got-all-night kiss. But one that delivers a quick "Let's do this while we can!"

A touch here. A rub there. Wow. It may just be our lucky night! Wait for it... Wait for it... "MOMMMMY!" Or "DADDDDY!" And in the worst cases, we realize we have an audience. Shit. Damn. Hell.

We once changed positions to find our oldest resting on our bed, on our pillow, watching us like a Disney flick! NOOO...we didn't hear her come in. NOOO...we didn't feel her get on the bed. Need I remind you? WE. WERE. BUSY.  Thank goodness she was only three years old and completely unphased! We dodged a bullet on that one for sure!

Okay. So bottom line is, we were caught in the act. Doing the do. And let's multiply that by a few times. We've since learned how to handle those moments. It's 98% solved already if you lock the doors beforehand. But in case you haven't smartened up yet, let me share what I've learned with you.

1. Do NOT jump up!
~I know your cub shocked the crap out of you. Annnd I know you're not too happy about being caught in THAT position doing THAT thing. But if you jump up/move, you risk exposing the parts you're trying so hard to hide!

2. Do NOT tell the truth!
~I don't care what the pros say, there's NO reason you can give to explain WHY certain appendages are where they are! Period. It behooves you to discuss these matters before you're "in the mood", so you can have a story ready to dish out... If need be... I'm sure this will depend on the age and comprehension of the cub.

3. NEVER ask daddy to escort cubs back to their room!
 ~Real talk. Daddy is now packing the most deadly instrument in your home. One accidental bump to the back of little Chloe's or Tyrone's head will equal an ER visit with a concussion diagnosis! Besides that, what explanation are you ready to give when asked why daddy's front butt looks like a rocket ship headed to space.... I didn't think so!

Be smart and avoid all of the drama. Don't let your desire and lack of sleep think for you. Learn from my experiences, mortification, and embarrassment. LOCK THOSE DOORS before you get in the groove! You'll save yourself a lot of headache and dollar bills. Remember, there's only so much that therapy can do for a cub who's seen too much! 

Do you have your own sexy-time horror story to share? How about advice to add to the list? If so, share it with me! This post is meant to be lighthearted and in no way a professional opinion. Only my personal stories and opinions were shared. Be sure to add your email/subscribe before you go. Follow me on FB and Twitter as well. Thanks for reading!

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  1. Ha! Great advice! Especially the "Don't jump up"!! I have totally felt your pain, girl! One time, me and the hubs tried to get a little covert operation love going on, and yea, momma admits, she had a drink or two beforehand, ANYWAY...This momma was gettin' her groove on only to hear FROM THE HUBS "uh, honey! HONEY! We have an audience!..." to which I may or may not have ignored the first couple times (I was in my groove, yo!) FINALLY, I look over and there is Brennan, peeking over the side of the bed. "whatcha doin?" she says.... "wrestling" the hubs replies. "Go back to bed" We all know THAT didn't happen. Ugh. Kids. Sometimes it makes me wonder how in the world we even MANAGED to have more than one?! LOL And now that I think about fave advice you gave was the one about LYING! Make up some excuses. FOR SURE! No child wants to be traumatized by getting "the talk" after seeing it in action!! Bwhahaa

    1. Bwahahaha!!! That's hilarious! It IS kind of hard not to ignore things when you're "in the groove" but I've learned my lesson! I too wonder how we have more than one. It's not like we've had a lot of private time!

  2. I remember when the kids were infants they slept in our room til about 6 months an i remember trying to get it on but feeling so awkward having the baby in the room. Lol our kids no better than to come in our room. They will cry outside our door til i open it.

    1. We take it when and how we can get it now! Lol! And yes, we now lock doors! Big cub will "block" for sure if given the chance!

  3. Oh my goodness, my nose is burning from the coffee that just came out of it. LOL Sorry to laugh but oh my.

    I can't manage to say much more than that. Oh my. This has thankfully never happened to us. We lock our bedroom door because my kids walking in on the hubs and I "doing it" is one of my worst nightmares.

    Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).

    Wishing you a lovely day.

  4. Lol! Laugh on dear. I laugh NOW! Not so much THEN!

    Yes, we've learned to lock our doors! We were younger, much less experienced, and waaay to trusting in the power of sleep to keep our cubs under control. Never. Again. (We hope)

  5. This post made me laugh out loud! I love your terminology.....Daddy is now packing the most deadly weapon in the home...A classic!...And some things you just can't unsee!

    I knew there must be a creature out there that liked body fur! Chewbakka is my new hero!

    A refreshingly funny post, so glad you went for the humorous option. Popped over from #SHINEbloghop.