My Worry For Her

 My oldest.     

I could go on and on about that one.
She's beautiful and caring. Dramatic and creative. Talkative, fun, and a tad off-beat (like me). 
She's sometimes shy but often brave.
Did I mention talkative? 
Maybe loquacious sounds more inviting.
And I'm convinced that her favorite hobby is testing my patience. 

We bump heads. Hard. Often. 

For years she was the only child. The only child of one true extrovert and one true introvert. She dwells in the middle of our personalities honing more extroverted tendencies than the latter. Yet, her days have mostly been spent with me, the introvert.

My worry for her is that I will smother her flame.

She's like her father and loves people. I love people, too, but I don't often want to be around them. I need time to breathe, to think, to exist without the extra effort of conversation and the urgency to "fit in." But not big cub.

She's the one who plays with anyone of any age, race, or creed. She wants to be the first at the playground and the last to leave. She mothers the youngest, befriends the oldest, and loves the bull right out of a bully. But if they don't comply, she'll stand up to the fiercest of the fierce with an intolerance for BS like nobody's business! She's small in stature but is not the one to underestimate. My big cub is definitely the one all kids should get to know.

I admire her. I somewhat envy her. Either way, she is mine.

Guilt almost consumes me when I look into her longing eyes. She longs to do sooo many things! Things we don't have access to or time for or money for or energy for. I admit that sometimes I don't get her into activities because I'm too lazy. Depending on how you look at it, it could be exhaustion instead. But I know that what she joins, I join. And so does my schedule, my youngest cub, and my sanity! Therefore, I prefer to have her in one activity at a time!

I worry that she will stop being carefree because I'm always so cautious. That she'll lose interest in living and like too many of us, she'll settle for existing. I worry that she'll bite her tongue when she should speak up or she'll hide her knack for conversing because she's been told to "be quiet" one too many times. I worry that she won't live by faith.

I try hard not to compare her to other kids. I push her and mold her to focus on who she is. To just be herSELF. I never want her a slave to other's opinions. I tell my big cub how wondrous and unique she is until she tires of hearing it. There are times when she will speak of herself the way I have and it makes me so proud.

I marvel at her innocence.

But there are other times that I watch her tear herself down like a Lego tower. She'll have fits of anger and self doubt. She'll beat herself up over a mistake she's made and I crumble. I know it's our fault. Her father's and I. We've been too hard on her. We've criticized too many times. What other explanation could there be? A parent's guilt tells all right?! Or wrong? Perhaps we've loved her as deeply as we know how but there are parts of her that are beyond our reach. Only time and experience can mature any of us.

My worry for her is that she doesn't know how special she is. She doesn't know that she's part of the reason I'm breathing. My worry is that she'll never be her own best friend and will seek validation elsewhere. But in reality, my big cub could teach the sun how to shine! 

My heart beats and bleeds for that girl. I LOVE her so much. I plead with the Heavens to not allow me to stifle her greatness. I won't stand in her way dammit. I refuse to. 

Through her I've reignited my own fire to L.I.V.E. I've remembered that my life isn't a dress rehearsal but every moment is showtime! If I can only finish my life having a drop of the impact she's started hers with. My oh my. What a story that would be!

My worry for her is that she'll never understand how much she's loved.

My faith in her will help me to make sure she understands it.


Do you have a worry for the little one in your life? If so, tell me about it. Be sure to add your email/subscribe to keep up with all things Thriller Mom. You can find me on Facebook and Twitter as well. Thanks for reading!