August 31, 2014

Dear Vag.

All images found via Google.

There's never a lack of material to read about our awesome sister-girl down below. Around every corner, a new shout-out is given to "her." I've joined that bandwagon because I need to get some things off my chest. This may be more like a shout-at than a shout-out. If she were a person, this is the letter I'd send:


"Dear Vag,

I know you don't beat around the bush (no pun intended) so I won't waste time with pleasantries. 

I have to admit... I'm pretty pissed with you these days. Every time I think we've reached a place of normalcy, it's some other thing altogether. You're never satisfied and I'm not sure what else to do. I feel like I don't know you anymore.

I remember when we were antisocial neighbors. We lived in the same hood, glanced at each other, but didn't know one another personally. People referred to you by different names, so I was always confused. Some of the names were terrible but others made me laugh. Then I introduced myself. You seemed quiet and introverted. Boy was I wrong! When we became friends, you opened up (literally) and took over the relationship! I've never known whether to love or loathe you. And you don't make it easy for me to decide.


I apologize, okay? I apologize for the times I've introduced you to people you never really wanted to meet. Especially when you were looking like Don King's head in a thigh grip! I should've tamed you. I know that now. And the times I've made you all itchy from using some new product. Or when I shaved you before I knew what I was doing. But you've made me itchy, too. You can act forgetful if you want but we all know that when YOU get out of whack, YOU make life a living, itchy hell! I don't even want to think about the last time!

Lately, it seems that we're growing apart. You're moody and often irritated from every. little. thing. I'm afraid to do anything that involves you. And never mind showing you some sort of affection! Speaking of affection, what's REALLY going on?! Have you forgotten that it's something I NEED?

You're honestly acting like a bitch butt about it these days. Yeah. I KNOW that intimacy has led you to endure some pretty traumatizing events. But aren't the fruits of my womb suppose to be a good thing?! That's what one of your main purposes is, right? I'm reminded of that by your gift that keeps on giving every month!

I hope you haven't forgotten about the pleasure on the other end of the spectrum. It actually feels good to have someone going in versus coming out! Do you remember any of that? I do and I miss ---->PLEASURE! I'm getting older. That's true. But I'm not dead and I still have needs.

So stop getting all PTSD on me and think dammit! If men can think with their lower heads, you must be Einsteinetta! Think of the good times we've had and the memories we've made. Oh, the sweet memories! At this point, bipolar is the only way I can describe you and I don't like thinking of you that way.

I'm doing my best to ensure that nothing else comes out of the cocoon. I've taken precautions and I don't think you need to worry. So give me a break! I want you to get yourself together and play nicely. We can get along if we work together. There's no "I" in vagi ...well... in team dammit. TEAM. 

And for the love of Nair, tea tree oil, and razors, cooperate after I've given you a makeover. A little taming is good for the soul. A multitude of mountain-sized bumps is not. And don't even think about going all Brazilian on me. It. will. never. happen.

Fed uppedly,

Me, Myself, and I 


Do you have a few things to say to your sister-girl down below? Has she become an entity you no longer recognize? If so, tell me about it. What would you like to say to her? Be sure to subscribe and to follow me on all of my social media sites. All details are above and to the right. Feel free to hang out for a while and explore! Thanks so much for reading. I love having you here!


I have linked this post with:
The Deliberate Mom
Happy Kids, Inc.

32 comments:

  1. I cannot even stop laughing!!!!!!
    PS A stripper once gifted me with the whispered secret to razor bumps - deodorant or antiperspirant. Forget the lotions, just swipe some pit stick across the shaved area and bingo! Bumps be gone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SO SMART! Them strippers....they know it all! lol

      Delete
    2. Holy cow!!! I've never heard of that remedy but I'm convinced those awesome strippers KNOW a thing or two! Lol! So happy you enjoyed the read! Thank you! =)

      Delete
  2. Holy shit! That was fabulous! My lady of the nether region has totally been unreliable of late and seriously i am starting get annoyed with her! ;-) haha.. I laughed so hard at this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IKR?!!!! These "ladies" seem to be malfunctioning all over the place! It must be something in the water! I'm happy that you enjoyed this post. Thanks!!!

      Delete
  3. I think mine has taken an early retirement. Stupid hag.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bwahahahaha! Yeah... they just pack their things and leave!

      Delete
  4. OMG, i just love this! especially since Aunt Flow decided the visit my vag this week. thanks for making me laugh

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so happy that you enjoyed this! I always love it when I can make someone else laugh.

      Delete
  5. Not only was this post hilarious but so are the comments!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right!!! Some of them had me crackin' up! Lol! Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  6. Oh. My. Hot. Damn. This was good. No, great! I'm still laughing hours after reading this (kept it open to send to some friends). I'm going to share this on social media because this was priceless!

    PS - My favorite part: If men can think with their lower heads, you must be Einstein! No wait... My other favorite part: It actually feels good to have someone going in instead of coming out!

    PSS - Found you via the #SHINEBlogHop. What a great job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! Your reply is hilarious and priceless!!! I'm thrilled that you enjoyed reading this AND that you are sharing it! That means SO MUCH to me! Thank you! <3

      Delete
  7. My son is looking at me like I'm crazy because I'm laughing so hard. My daughter is only 7 months, and I can hardly wait to show this to her one day. Thanks for the laugh and for sharing at the Shine Blog Hop!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My kids do the same to me. Ha! I'm happy that you enjoyed! Lol! Nothing like a good laugh. =)

      Delete
  8. This is FANTASTIC!! Thank you SO MUCH for this post! I think we all have a few things to say to our vag and you got it just right.

    Thanks for sharing on the #SHINEbloghop

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree! I'm sure women would have so much to add to this letter if there were time. Ha!

      Delete
  9. Ha, Ha, Ha! I see my co-host commented here but damn the even numbers, how can I ignore a post that has linked up to the #SHINEbloghop with the title Dear Vag.

    This was tooooooo funny. Oh, I could pee from laughter... no, wait, that's not a vag story, well maybe it kind of is. LOL

    Thanks for the laughs. Truly.

    Wishing you a lovely weekend.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! I'm happy you showed up as well Jennifer!!! I just had to get this "convo" off of my chest. That "gal" needed a talking to. Ha! =)

      Delete
  10. Ha, Ha, Ha! I see my co-host commented here but damn the even numbers, how can I ignore a post that has linked up to the #SHINEbloghop with the title Dear Vag.

    This was tooooooo funny. Oh, I could pee from laughter... no, wait, that's not a vag story, well maybe it kind of is. LOL

    Thanks for the laughs. Truly.

    Wishing you a lovely weekend.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  11. I laughed my...well, you know what off. ;)
    I am starting to wonder....is it really true...you know THE rumor: If you don't use it you lose it. Cuz, well, I think I am losing it...or maybe I have lost it by now. LMAO Seriously, hmmmmm....maybe her and I just need a "reintroduction"?
    OK, I can't stop laughing to type any more. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I LOVE it when something I've written makes people laugh. Laughter is good for the soul! Thank you so much for reading! <3

      Delete
  12. Oh, ha! A letter to my va-jay-jay! Brilliant! I can't imagine what I'd write to mine! Great subject for a post, tho! (Loved the puns!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lisa! During this time I was fed up with "her" attitudes. Lol!

      Delete
  13. Oh my gosh...this is hilarious! I've got a letter to write to mine too...she's never been the same after those darn kids. Seriously funny stuff. I needed a laugh this afternoon, so thank you :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks you for reading Shann! I'm happy you were able to get the laugh you needed. PLEASE let me know if/when you write a letter to yours as well. =)

      Delete
  14. Gotta love your conversation. Since my mini me has been so well behaved, I seldom need to "go there" However, I appreciate the chuckle. Oh to be young again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Michelle! At the time this was written mine was seriously misbehaving. Since I've changed my lifestyle/diet, she's been a great girl. Maybe I was the culprit after all. Go figure! =)

      Delete
  15. Einsteinetta that's the best name ever! This is comic gold Thriller Mom, a priceless treat for a tired Mom on a late night listening to snoring. 😜

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I can so relate to those late nights when snoring surrounds me and I read something that makes me LOL! Thank you for reading Jeanine! I'm happy that you enjoyed it. <3

      Delete